I am a woman of many shades; a woman that has gone through the fire and was not burned; a woman who has experienced trials and triumphs, pains and gains. I am a woman of virtue. A mother of both the living and the dead. I have borne children and laid an unborn child to rest. I am Davida. I am the embodiment of the overcoming Christian. For daily I overcome by the blood of the Lamb through Christ who strengthens me.
What you’re about to read is the story of a woman who despite abuse, emotional distress, sickness and depression, is rising and living above by the grace of God.
An Unlikely Move
Job searches are never easy. After months of applications and interviews I kept falling short. Until one day I finally landed something. Initially, it seemed like an amazing opportunity. But it turned out that it wasn’t what I expected. About two weeks in I took an unlikely trip that left me bitter and confused.
During my brief stay for this new job I did my best to live a well rounded life. One of the first things I did was join a local church. This particular church was very intimate. In fact, the Pastor knew almost everyone by name. Unfortunately, I really didn’t like this new job. And so I decided to keep looking. God blessed and I found a new job that required me to move. Because I was moving I felt I should let my Pastor know that I’d be leaving. So I went to my church to pay my pastor a visit. When I got to the church I quickly learned the Pastor was unavailable.
Instead of just sitting around, I decided to go have lunch with an acquaintance I met through a mutual friend. He was the Music Director of a popular church in the area. After we talked for some time he mentioned needing to redecorate his apartment and asked if I could briefly stop by to see the place and give him some tips on décor styles he should use. To this day I don’t know why I agreed.
I never follow guys anywhere that’s not public, and definitely no where that is private when I’m alone. When we finally made it to his apartment things were fairly normal. As we talked I noticed he would try to get closer and closer, but even then I didn’t really realize what was happening. It was when he stopped me from answering a call that my visit turned for the worst.
It all happened so fast. Grabbing me he pulled me in close to him and began trying to take my clothes off. Pushing him away he pinned me down and got on top of me. I screamed for help fighting and struggling, but no one came. I just knew he was going to rape me. I was trying to fight him with everything I had, but he was so much stronger than me. It was at that point that while I was screaming and crying that I screamed the prayer “Lord save me!” Suddenly, he stopped as abruptly as he began.
With a tone of urgency, he told me to get dressed and leave. While gathering what I could he began apologizing claiming he was sorry and that he should never have done it. He said that he could see that I was a good girl and didn’t deserve to be “manhandled” that way. I didn’t believe anything he said at the time.
After several tests I was relieved and thankful that he hadn’t stolen my virginity. But his attack, this attempted rape stole my confidence, my peace, and my joy. I felt defiled. I was hurting so much I felt like I should just give up and die. I become angry, very angry. I hated him. I questioned everything I believed as a Christian. I stopped praying and never wanted to go to Church again.
After meeting with my Pastor about the incident I decided that this man already stole and attempted to steal too much from me. I wouldn’t let him steal my God too. So I decided to continue going to church whether I felt like it or not.
But even though I was physically present I was emotionally and spiritually absent. I sunk into a deep depression. I was alive physically but dying inside. I felt sad all the time. I would zone out and soon found myself trapped in my own little world of pain.
Ashamed, I silenced myself telling no one what happened. I knew I did nothing wrong, but I still felt shame about what he did to me. After a few months I found the strength to finally tell my family, but the confession didn’t take the pain away. They all encouraged me to be strong, but some days I still felt down. I began felling like life had no meaning. I began blaming myself running the sequence of events over and over again in my head. I kept telling myself if only I had stayed at Church instead of going out, I would have been safe.
Let Go, and Let God
One day, several months later, I heard God speak to me. I wasn’t sure at first because I hadn’t been praying much. One day I felt a pull on me internally and I broke down. Tears were pouring out of my eyes. For the first time since the incident, I finally let go. It was at this moment that God spoke to me and said ‘Let go, and let me; the battle is not yours; turn the other cheek…’ (Matthew 5:39; 2 Chronicles 20:15b).
My healing began that day. Two years later, I got married to the love of my life. Marrying my husband was the best decision I ever made. In him I saw the love of Christ anew.
We had our daughter and about a year and 10 months later I discovered I was pregnant again. It was scary. I didn’t feel like I was ready for another baby. Emotionally I was overwhelmed, and my husband was concerned we weren’t financially prepared for another child. This caused a lot of tension for us at home and at work.
To make a long story short, we lost our second baby at just 8 weeks during the pregnancy. It was devastating. I blamed myself again. I quickly sank under the weight of overwhelming grief and pain. I shut down. I cried a lot. My husband and I sometimes cried together.
But in spite of all the pain, all the loss, all the grief, we realized that we couldn’t give in to the temptation to give up. I remember wondering why after suffering an attempted rape I would suffer the loss of a child. Then, almost immediately, I remembered the story of Job in the Bible. This was my comfort. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or had dangerous and suicidal thoughts I declared the scriptures of 2 Timothy 1:7 and Jeremiah 29:11 over my life.
I resumed writing, had another baby, and can honestly say that caring for my family has helped to heal my pain. My prayer is that someone reading this can take encouragement from my story. Abuse, suffering, loss, pain, financial struggles, whatever your trial is right now it doesn’t have to break you. The Devil will try. He will throw everything he can to shake your faith and get you to doubt God’s love for you. But there is healing and restorative power in the Word of God. I take hope in the Bible and find healing in my family because I can truly see in my own life that God has restored what the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25). Every time I look at my husband, my children; every time I laugh, smile, and notice my peace of mind and strength of heart, I am reminded that God does love me for everyday He gives me the strength to live an unbroken woman.