It May Have Been Too Late to Say Goodbye, But Not Too Late to Address His Addiction.

Carson had been a substance abuser since entering the military. He returned four years later, upon an honorable discharge from the army.  He was one of 13 children and always a loving and devoted son to his parents.

Carson was reared in a very spiritual and loving family.  He was very supportive, caring, and helpful towards his parents all while struggling with his personal drug and alcohol addiction. One afternoon after a day helping his mother and enjoying the afternoon with his parents, he walked out and told his father “I’ll be back.”  

Passing of Time

Later that week Carson’s father, James, went into the hospital for a breathing treatment. His physician decided to extend his stay because the effects of a  longstanding smoking habit were now exacting its toll. James’ lungs had been deteriorating for at least 10 years.  After a week, James was no longer breathing on his own. His body was getting weaker and weaker and his lungs were no longer functioning properly. 

Carson’s mother and siblings visited James several times throughout the week, until the doctor called and told them nothing else could be done for him.

James and seven sons all served in the military.  “You never leave a wounded solider alone,” they believed, and the family gathered around James one last time as the life support was removed.  He passed away early the next morning. 

A week later when James was buried, Carson was absent.  He missed his father’s illness and passing. Carson’s ex- wife, a police officer, went looking for him for the family. When she found him and told him that his father had passed away, Carson was in total disbelief.  He remembered seeing a huge funeral possession going down the street and was so surprised by how long it was, not knowing that it was his own father’s funeral. 

Life, Well-Lived

Immediately, Carson went home to find his mother and a single obituary in the china cabinet.  Carson realized he had to live with this for the rest of his life. 

Ever since that day Carson has lived with his mother and finally found healing in drug recovery.  Carson has begun counseling for PSTD  ( Post Traumatic  Stress Disorder) and also grief counseling. 

All Suffer

Alcoholism and drug addiction have obvious and well-documented effects on chronic substance abusers. Prolonged abuse of drugs and alcohol deteriorate a person’s physical health, impair mental functioning, and damage the spirit. These adverse effects also impact the immediate family’s finances, physical health and psychological wellbeing. 

Family roles naturally shift to adjust to the behaviors associated with drug or alcohol use, and to continue maintaining order and balance. Including the addict, there have been six roles identified to understand how the family functions around the substance abuser. They are:

• The Enabler-Carson’s parents enabled his behavior by allowing him to come and go from their home knowing he was an addict. 
• The Mascot-The Mascot was his sister Ann. This child feels powerless in the dynamics which are going on in the family and tries to interrupt tension, anger, conflict, violence or other unpleasant situations within the family by acting as the “court jester.” The Mascot seeks to be the center of attention in the family, often entertaining the family and making everyone feel better through his or her comedy. She may also use humor to communicate and to confront the family dysfunction, rather than address it directly. 
• The Hero-The Hero in this family was Carson’s mother. This family member devotes his/her time and attention to making the family look “normal” and without problems. The Hero can mask or make up for the dysfunctional home life. Over-responsible and self-sufficient they are often perfectionistic, over-achievers and look very good – on the outside.
• The Scapegoat-The Scapegoat was Darry,l the troubled child. The Scapegoat is the “problem child” or the “trouble maker.” This family member always seems defiant, hostile and angry.  The Scapegoat is the truth teller of the family and will often verbalize or act out the “problem” which the family is attempting to cover up or deny. This individual’s behavior warrants negative attention and is a great distraction for everyone from the real issues at hand.  The Scapegoat usually has trouble.
• The Lost Child-The lost child was Carson’s brother Earl. This child avoids interactions with other family members and basically disappears. They become loners, or are sometimes very shy.  
• The Addict-The Addict was Carson who spent many years fighting this demon inside of him. He felt trapped and worthless in his life. He wanted to stop the drug addiction but didn’t have the desire or motivation to do so. 

No matter how old a parent’s child is, discovering that a child has an addiction can be an unpleasant, rude awakening. It may cause mothers and fathers to question their parental abilities or the decisions they made. Parents of addicts, much like children of addicts, often blame themselves for the development of the substance use disorder.

God is a forgiving God. We must be willing to forgive ourselves and grow from our mistakes.  God can turn even the tragic addiction, and the grief-filled experience of losing his father into complete recovery and restoration. 

My first contact with David and Daniel Robinson, nine-year old twins, was in my office with their biological father. The boys lived with Robinson because of their mother’s alcohol and drug addiction, and he determined that he was not giving up on his family. He took counsel with the Proverb “Whosoever brings ruin to their family will inherit only the wind and the fool will be servant to the wise.”

After giving birth to her boys, their mother left the children at the hospital. The twins grew up seeing her on the streets in the neighborhood associating with the addicts and alcoholics.  She would sometimes get into a car,  turning her face to prevent being noticed. She came home sometimes and Robinson allowed her to stay for a few days but she would always return to the streets. Years later it was apparent that Robinson was angry and hurt; angry because she left her family for a lifestyle of destruction. He was hurt because he loved her and she went away.

Faithful father and mother

Robinson had assumed the role of father and mother. He had filed for full custody and was thrust into developing parenting skills and providing a quality life for his children early on. Both brothers were diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hypertension disorder)and Robinson followed up with therapy. Over the years he was faithful in maintaining regular therapy sessions and medications for them. He helped them follow the recommendations of a psychiatrist. And, he supported their IEP (Individual Educational Plan) when their teachers raised red flags because of their behavior.

On many occasions Robinson showed his concern for the well-being of his sons but the behavior of the boys started becoming more rebellious especially during the 10th grade. In spite of their father’s nurture, their mother’s abandonment weighed heavily on them and they were acting out.

David had difficulty maintaining control over his impulses and his influence over Daniel caused him to emulate his behavior. Their interactions with each other were also contentious. The Bible’s story of twins Esau and Jacob who were adversaries, with their descendants striving continuously (Genesis 25 :19-26) reminded me of the Robinsons. They could give Jacob and Esau a run for their money. Strife existed consistently.

Last year the twins graduated from high school. That achievement was not without disaster. During one English class David and a classmate observed the teacher putting her car keys in her desk. They stole the keys to her car and before school was out, they were joy riding. They hid the car on a lot where the police found it the next day.

I was astonished that David would make a decision that would change his life forever just three weeks before graduation. Fortunately Daniel was not involved and only David was arrested. So, as Daniel walked across the stage to graduate, David sat in jail awaiting a resolution to his case. Later the school gave David his diploma after he was placed on probation.

Where to find answers

Still, Robinson was searching for answers and called me, crying for his sons. I asked if he wanted to pray about his situation and he agreed. After we prayed he said he was going to church. The children nor he had developed a relationship with the Lord until the crisis escalated with David. Robinson was reared in the home of two alcoholics who had no religious affiliation. Their belief in God was minimal. This became significant when the father searched for answers.

I encouraged him to search for answers with the Lord, knowing that He would provide a way. Isaiah 40:29 states: “He gives strength to the weary and increases power to the weak.” He was weary and he wanted to help his sons. One thing was clear though, his sons were not ready to help themselves.

After high school, both boys smoked marijuana and drank alcohol daily.

Recently I received a call from Robinson who was angry about David’s arrest for breaking into the home of someone who had extended kindness to him in the past. David had attempted to sell the stolen items to him to another neighbor who told Robinson. When David called home, he denied that it was him and said Daniel was the one involved. David and Daniel were later arrested. David confessed but he informed the police that Daniel was involved too. Robinson was furious because he was sure David lied regarding Daniel’s involvement. David would now serve the sentence for stealing his teacher’s car–he had been on probation– and face the new charge for breaking into his neighbor’s home. That’s where both are today, awaiting trial.

Hurt and angry regarding the outcome of his twins, Robinson has committed again that he would not allow his sons to bring his household to destruction. He will help them, but if they choose a lifestyle of crime then he will not allow them to stay in his home. Robinson’s voice trembled as he stated that the consistent encouragement he receives comes from a better relationship with the Lord. “I will keep praying for my boys.”