How do two people in a relationship move past a bad argument? do you have any advice to help us resolve conflict, mend a rift, and help our relationship move forward?
Becky—Sacramento, California
Relationships are challenging. No matter the type of relationship, the fact that we are all different makes disagreements almost inevitable. And this real- ity easily lends itself to strained relationships since almost everyone believes his or her opinion about what is being dis- cussed is the correct one. Sadly, for many, these stalemates can lead to the disintegration of a relationship, despite the fact that most of these situations can be resolved if the people involved are willing to respectfully listen to each other.
Romans 12:18 says: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” This text alone could transform relationships. However, we seem to have such dif- ficulty applying this message to our daily lives. Here are five ways in which we can use this counsel in all of our relation- ships to build rather than to destroy them.
1. Pause and pray. Stop what you’re doing—talking, argu- ing, fighting, etc. Take a deep breath, and then take another deep breath (some people may require three or four deep breaths). Pray and ask God to help you calm down, think reasonably, and act rationally.
2. Play on the same team. Most conflicts emerge because one or both parties are convinced of their own opinion—to put it plainly, we want to prove to the other person that we are right, and we want to win. You can flip the switch in your brain to a “win-win” attitude. Rather than having a winner and a loser, you can both win. If one person in the conflict adopts this attitude, it can change the atmosphere and influ- ence the other person to adopt a “win-win” attitude.
3. Listen. Listen. Listen. At the heart of most disagree- ments is misunderstanding that occurs mostly because we are not listening to one another. We all view the world through our own lenses that are colored by our experiences, our values, and our expectations. Conflict arises because the other person has his or her own pair of lenses, which is different than our own. When we interact without tak- ing into consideration our different perspectives, it leads us to judge each other unfairly. The only way to get a deeper understanding about what the other person is saying is to listen to them—their hopes, their dreams, and their stories.
In order to truly listen to another person, we must listen with our eyes, our hearts, and our soul, which allows us to enter their world. It is here that we glean a deeper understanding of their perspective.
4. Celebrate your differences. Accept the fact that we are all different and we can use our differences as strengths rather than weaknesses. It doesn’t have to be my way or your way; we can create a solution that incorporates ideas from both sides that will be a better way for both parties. This creates a synergy in the relationship that allows it to grow even stronger and to form deeper bonds.
5. Be thankful. Thank God for giving you the wisdom, strength, and willingness to resolve and restore your rela- tionship. Thank the other person for their willingness to engage in the process of breaking the stalemate in your rela- tionship. This creates an environment of warmth, support, affirmation, and greater trust in the relationship. Engaging in this positive process will pave the way for resolving inevi- table challenges and opportunities in the future.
The reality is that dealing with conflict is an ongoing and sometimes frustrating process in every relationship, but with God on our side, we cannot fail. His power is available to everyone who asks for it. In Matthew 7:7 Jesus says: “Ask, and it will be given to you.” If you ask, you will be able to live at peace with everyone. Commit to being the catalyst for change and the initiator of creative cooperation and watch your relationships grow to new heights.
