Well, here we are again: the beginning of another school year!
As a school year begins teenagers get involved in dating and relationships and rather than me shouting into the wind with the warning: “Teenagers shouldn’t be dating!” The sad reality is that there will be many—most, in fact—who will ignore my warnings and get seriously involved in dating and relationships.
Just Being Honest
I just need to be honest with you, because I don’t want you to think that I’ve got my life all together, and I’m writing from a perfect perspective. My own experience with dating and relationships was horrible! It was borne out of a childhood history of significant sexual trauma and abuse. I had some profound holes in my soul and I was hoping that I could plug them with someone else. Sadly, this never works for anyone. I seriously dated someone—the same one–from the summer of my 8th grade year to the summer of my college freshman year!
Now, realistically speaking, the reasons why teenagers get involved in dating vary from person to person, but generally, we all seek to connect with others as a way of getting our needs met. Now, God created us as human beings for close emotional connection, but we really don’t gain anything extra by having boyfriends or girlfriends. What I’m trying to say is that you can receive all the benefits of having healthy interpersonal friendship relationships; the only thing that’s extra is the…extra stuff aka “physical benefits”– everything from holding hands, hugging, kissing, to sexual behaviors, etc. God doesn’t want you to experience a lot of those things until you get married. It’s “best practice” to maintain these standards, even if they sound outdated. Physical touch is a serious trigger for a lot of people–especially guys. For guys appearance and physical touch are both a serious trigger. Not so much for young women; for them, words are more of a trigger. That said, you can connect on a meaningful level, even without all of that when the time is right for you to date.
Checklist for New School Year
If you go to any store during this time of the year, you’ll find people wandering around doing school shopping with a specific class checklist of what they need in order to be successful. This week I want to spend time going over my own version of this. Over the years many teens have asked me questions related to dating and relationships, but probably the number one question has got to be: “what kinds of things should you be looking for in somebody to date?” My answer is always, “What kind of person would you want your son or daughter to date?”
I know, I know, it’s kind of a sneaky answer on my part. But there’s something really powerful about helping a teenager get out of that “me-first” mentality—even if it’s only for a little while. They usually start talking a mile a minute, and I start writing equally as fast. When we’re all done, they literally have a “checklist” of good character qualities.
Now, I don’t normally believe in checklists. I believe in principles—both clear and implied—in order for them to live successful, long, and happy lives. But in this case a checklist is a good thing to create. By the way, it’s OK if your checklist grows as you grow and mature. By the time you hit your mid-20s, which research shows is the earliest you should really be looking to get married anyway (that’s the whole point of dating, after all), you’ll be ready to look seriously and honestly at any potential spouses.
My list is based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and Galatians 5:22, 23; my experiences dealing with counseling; teens; my personal dating experiences–both good and bad; and what research shows to be important:
- Does the person have a strong, real relationship with Jesus?
- Does the person have a strong conscience, a strong moral compass?
- Do my parents, friends, mentors, and other important and influential people who know me well agree with this relationship?
- Does the person have clear short- and long-term goals or a vision for their life?
- Is the person jealous toward appropriate and supportive relationships I have toward others of either sex?
- Does the person act kind and loving toward family, friends, and strangers?
- Are they joyful? (Joy is different than happiness—happiness typically is more shallow, and joyfulness kind of bubbles up from inside.)
- Are they peaceful, generally calm? Or are they always in the middle of a crisis or always having a crisis?
- Is the person patient?
- Is the person self-controlled, or do they often curse, lose their temper, shout, scream, and just generally act out of control?
- Are they gentle with others—specifically strangers?
- Does the person have a strong sense of justice—do they get upset when other people are treated unfairly or disrespectfully?
- Is the person assertive—do they stand up for themselves?
- Are they optimistic?
- How does this person treat their parents, siblings, and people of the opposite sex in their life?
- Does this person have appropriate friends? What kind of company do they keep? (People are like tofu—they soak up the flavor of the things they’re around.)
- Can they deal with conflict appropriately and maturely? Are they willing to solve problems and not bring up past hurts when you’re having a disagreement?
- Are they pure—do they have pure thoughts and motives?
- Are they trustworthy? If they tell you they’ll do something, can you count on them to get it done?
- Do they always tell the truth?
- Are they a gossiper? Do they spread rumors, or do they actively try to stop them?
- Do they take care of their body by getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and eating right?
- Do they accept responsibility for their behavior and not make excuses?
- Do they have good self-esteem/self-worth?
- Do they like children?
- Do they accept you just the way you are?
- Are they supportive of your short- and long-term life goals?
- Can they accept advice, guidance, and counsel even if it’s difficult to hear?
- Are they willing to grow and change?
- Are they unselfish and focused on others?
- Are they appropriately affectionate, or do they pressure you to be overly physically affectionate or to have sex?
- Are they addicted to anything, or do they have any other glaringly bad habits?
What I Didn’t Focus On?
Did you notice that I didn’t mention any of the things that people normally first look at or base their decisions on such as looks, style, or financial status? That’s because you should be looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside. Proverbs 31:30 points out: “Charm can be deceiving, and beauty fades away, but a woman who honors the Lord deserves to be praised” (CEV).
While doing premarital and marital counseling, I’ve found that folks are drawn ultimately to the person on the inside. And when they fall in love with the person on the inside, that person starts to look really good to them on the outside, too, as opposed to the other way around. The bottom line is that if all you’re focusing on is what a person looks like on the outside, you’re going to be disappointed both in the short and long term.
If This World Were Mine
First John 2:15-17 makes it clear that we as Christians should be focusing on more in our relationships than what this world has to offer. This passage advises: “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever” (NASB).
What does John really mean in this passage of Scripture? Well, the “lust of the flesh” is a passion to feel pleasure. The “lust of the eyes” is a passion for obtaining possessions. And the “boastful pride of life” is a passion for importance or position. So to sum it up, most of the people in this world worship sex, money, and power! But God is trying to tell us that we don’t need to focus on these things.
Here comes the uncomfortable question Are you focusing on the “lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life” as your primary reasons for dating somebody? If so, you’re going to experience a lifetime of pain, hurt, and ultimately a failed relationship. If you focus on somebody who is doing the will of God, then you’re more likely to succeed relationally and be joyful and fulfilled!
The person you choose to date and marry will, besides your parents, have the greatest and most important impact upon the quality of your relationship with—maybe even your very salvation…(no pressure!)
So choose wisely!
Enjoy your new school year!
