Getting Through Grief and Loss
I’m a father of two adults: a twenty-three year-old and an 18 year old—both of which live in another state. This means that my house is quiet! Let me just keep it real: I miss my kids living in my house! Every time I talk to them I cry and, …it’s awkward…(or so they tell me). Honestly speaking, as much as I want my kids to move on, grow up, and be successful in the whole “adulting” thing, I miss them and it’s hard!
Real talk: I’m grieving a loss! I miss my kids!
Shell-Shocked!
But as quiet as my house has been now for these recent months, there are many who are also feeling an acute sense of grief and loss—okay, shell-shocked, really, given the recent transition from one U.S. President to another. Just this week, in our nation’s capital, one President stepped down and another one stepped up, and a lot of people are very upset about it all. Even anxious and fearful, too! For lack of a better term, they’re grieving the loss of who they wish they could have in office, or who they had in office.
The Messy Mess
I’m so thankful that the Bible, in fact, doesn’t pull any punches and addresses the difficult and messy issues of grief and loss in life. In fact, the Bible deals with all the messy mess of it all! Specifically, in the Old Testament there’s a great story that’s relevant in fleshing out this issue. Give the story a read and see what you can learn how about how to get over your own grief and loss:
After the death of Moses the Lord’s servant, the Lord spoke to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ assistant. He said, “Moses my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them. I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you—from the Negev wilderness in the south to the Lebanon mountains in the north, from the Euphrates River in the east to the Mediterranean Sea in the west, including all the land of the Hittites.’ No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. “Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua then commanded the officers of Israel, “Go through the camp and tell the people to get their provisions ready. In three days you will cross the Jordan River and take possession of the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Then Joshua called together the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh. He told them, “Remember what Moses, the servant of the Lord, commanded you: ‘The Lord your God is giving you a place of rest. He has given you this land.’ Your wives, children, and livestock may remain here in the land Moses assigned to you on the east side of the Jordan River. But your strong warriors, fully armed, must lead the other tribes across the Jordan to help them conquer their territory. Stay with them until the Lord gives them rest, as he has given you rest, and until they, too, possess the land the Lord your God is giving them. Only then may you return and settle here on the east side of the Jordan River in the land that Moses, the servant of the Lord, assigned to you.” They answered Joshua, “We will do whatever you command us, and we will go wherever you send us. We will obey you just as we obeyed Moses. And may the Lord your God be with you as he was with Moses. Anyone who rebels against your orders and does not obey your words and everything you command will be put to death. So be strong and courageous!” (Joshua 1:1-18, NLT)
Prescription for Healing
In the story God gave Joshua and the Israelites a five-pronged plan for success, and I would suggest, that no matter whatever thing you’re presently dealing with grieving losing, using these skills will spell success:
- recognition of the truth of your reality (v. 2)
Everything begins with an honest assessment and admission of what’s happening in your life, your heart, and your mind. God wants us to be honest, first with ourselves, then with God, and with others.
- remembrance of God’s promise of His support (v. 3)
It’s critical to never forget that God will always give us the support that we require; it’s when things are most difficult that it’s the most important to never forget God’s faithfulness.
- courage to fake it until you make it (vv. 6, 7, 9)
Many times we wait until we feel a certain thing to do it, but in reality, if we wait to feel many things we won’t do them. That’s why we have to depend upon the facts of God’s faithfulness rather than our feelings. In fact, research shows that if we begin to do those hard (but healthy and healing acts) then our feelings will follow. Obedience is what’s called for, not feelings.
- active focus on God’s Word (vv. 7, 8)
Again, when our world begins to crumble, we must consistently choose to place our focus squarely upon God’s Word, the Bible. This is where things like Bible reading, Bible meditation, and Bible memorization are so critical. God wants us to fill our minds with things that are healing to us: “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (Philippians 4: 8b, NLT).
- intentional acts based on God’s Word (v. 10)
Once we’ve done all four of these steps, then we’ve got to take the final and ever-critical step: taking a physical step of faith! Jesus Himself put it like this: “ ‘Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash’ ” (Matthew 7:24-27, NLT). This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak!
There’s a Time for Everything
Solomon, the wisest person ever, in his thoughts about living life reminds us: “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven . . . a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance . . . Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, 11, NLT).
So, real talk: in this life bad stuff will happen, and it’s highly likely that you’re in some bad stuff right now; just got done with some bad stuff, or about to get into some bad stuff. Either way, bad stuff will affect you. So grief and loss is a natural and normal part of life that we must all go through. Believe it or not, no one makes it to life’s finish line without some serious scrapes. So how do we handle our losses?
Only Three Decisions
When bad stuff happens to us we have a decision to make. The kicker is that we have only three decisions that we can make, but out of those three only one will be the correct one that can lead us to a joyful and joy-filled, peaceful, and peace-filled life:
- Handle the pain effectively and ultimately heal. Spending time with godly people (and a Christian counselor) is always a wise decision.
- Ignore the pain and distract ourselves with anything else. Even good things used in bad ways can be bad.
- Drown in the pain. Hyperfocusing on the pain, and talking about it–and only it, all the time.
Grieving Well
When it comes to dealing with grief and loss, it’s critical to understand how they affect us in our lives; to that end, we need to talk about the Five Stages of Grief and Loss.
The Five Stages of Grief is a theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It suggests that we go through five distinct stages after the loss of a loved one. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Denial
In the first stage of the grieving process, denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with them the previous week or even the previous day.
During this stage in grieving, our reality has shifted completely. It can take our minds time to adjust to our new reality. We reflect on the experiences we’ve shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person.
This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.
Denial is not only an attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist. We are also trying to absorb and understand what is happening.
Anger
The second stage in grieving is anger. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet.
Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it may feel more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection.
Anger also tends to be the first thing we feel when starting to release emotions related to loss. This can leave us feeling isolated in our experience. It can also cause us to be perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.
Bargaining
When coping with loss, it isn’t unusual to feel so desperate that you are willing to do anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. During this stage in grieving, you may try to bargain to change the situation, agreeing to do something in return for being relieved of the pain you feel.
When bargaining starts to take place, we often direct our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than us that may be able to influence a different outcome. Bargaining during the grieving process can come in the form of a variety of promises, including:
- “God, if you can heal this person, I will turn my life around.”
- “I promise to be better if you will let this person live.”
- “I’ll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me.”
There is an acute awareness of our humanness in this stage of grieving; when we realize that there is nothing we can do to influence change or create a better end result.
Bargaining comes from a feeling of helplessness and gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control. During bargaining, we tend to focus on our personal faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person we are losing and note all the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain.
It is common to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also sometimes make the drastic assumption that if things had played out differently, we would not be in such an emotionally painful place in our lives.
Depression
During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining no longer feels like an option and we are faced with what is happening.
In this stage of grieving, we start to feel the loss of our loved one more abundantly. Our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear, and the loss feels more present and unavoidable.
In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage in the grieving process, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating and one of the most difficult stages.
If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Acceptance
The last of the 5 Stages of Grief is acceptance. When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. Instead, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make it something different.
Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase. But the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present during this phase of the grieving process.
Bad, but then Great!
In this life, unfortunately, bad things will always happen. There’s no escaping pain. God has promised us in His Word that although things start out rough, we will have losses, and through His power, we can effectively grieve our losses and heal—but in the end, we can and we will overcome…but for many, we’ll have some scars! But we’ll make it! The Apostle Paul, admits this harsh reality, but reminds us of both inescapable negatives, but eventual and eternal positives:
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. . . And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8: 18-23a, 28 NLT).
Additional Resources
What Does the Bible Say About Overcoming Grief?
Check out this book: Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright
