Five Ways to Ignite Your Torch After a Breakup


Romantic relationships are as old as the Stone Age, but just as back then, the spark sometimes scorches us or sizzles out. When relationships go bad, we are left hurting. Here are five ways to light your own torch and heal the burn.

Don’t ignore your emotions.

When you lose someone close to you, it’s only natural to feel grief, anger, and loss. That’s when it helps to go to someone you trust and can feel safe with. Whether that’s a therapist, family member, or friend, it’s ultimately up to you. Erin Pash, CEO of Ellie Mental Health, says, “It’s also okay to just sit in your feelings and let yourself feel bad.” There are also ways to safely express these emotions, such as rage rooms, exercising, or late-night bake sessions.

Keep those you love close.

Losing someone close to you will feel like you have a hole in your heart. Go to family and friends to remind you that you aren’t alone. A study published by International Association of Relationship Research found that interactions with others can protect you from feelings of depression and loneliness.

Get out!

It’s easy to sit and ruminate on those bad feelings, but it can be more helpful to get outside and take a walk or maybe even a jog. If you’re someone who likes to do things with others, play fetch at the park or go out with some friends. Former professional football player, fitness and wellness coach, Corey Lewis, says, “Exercise can be such a powerful antidote.” It can be as simple as sending a text to a couple friends and walking out the door to get in the car. Getting out of the house might feel difficult, but you won’t regret it!

Don’t rush healing.

Psychologist Jennifer Heetderks says, “Remember that recovering from a break-up takes time. Be patient with yourself during the grieving process. We also suggest that you avoid making any drastic changes, and avoid acting on any destructive impulses. Let your friends and/or family know you are hurting.”

It doesn’t hurt to start new hobbies, but stay away from making big purchases and life-changing decisions.


Psychologist Jennifer Barbera provides the following list of questions to ask yourself as you reflect on your past relationship(s):

Do you notice any patterns or issues that arose in the relationship?
Are there things that you did that contributed to problems in the relationship?
Do you notice any patterns in the types of people or relationships that you are attracted to?
Were there needs you had in the relationship that you avoided expressing? What made you avoid expressing yourself?
How do you react to stress and relationship conflict? Are there ways of responding that you would like to move towards?
Did you learn anything about what is important to you in a relationship?
How can you use the last relationship to guide you in choosing your next partner?

These kinds of questions can spark conversations and thoughts that can help you process what went on and move past the breakup. You can have these conversations with someone close to you or even ponder them by yourself in a journal. Go out and find that spark in yourself and the world around you!


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