Join us on FacebookFrom This Day Forward - 2011 Sept/Oct - Lets Talk, Please
My husband never wants to talk about any subject that causes conflict. I can change myself, but I can’t solve our problems by myself. What do you suggest? Vera—Teaneck,
New Jersey
Understanding that you can change only yourself puts you in a unique place to do well in relationships. Most people waste much energy and time trying to change their respective mates, only to be utterly disappointed with the reality that there is nothing they can do to make that happen. On the other hand, we feel your frustration about wanting to clear the air about issues in your relationship while thinking your husband has no interest. Ask yourself why your husband seems reluctant to talk about issues you often disagree about. Is it possible that when you are not getting along there are bad feelings between you for a long time? Or, perhaps, when you speak about disagreements your conversation tends to escalate out of control, and you say things you later regret that further distance you from each other? Most men want to have peace at home, avoiding any kind of “drama” at all cost.
From the beginning of time, our ancestors—Adam and Eve—were fearful of dealing with differences. This is the reason they covered themselves when they first sinned. They concealed those parts of their bodies that were the most different. Little did they know those differences were the very places God wanted them to find the greatest joy. As fallen humans we have inherited this legacy from our first parents, and continue to encounter challenges in this area. Managing differences is the most challenging reality in marriage.
The truth is, when a married couple takes the time to talk about their differences (conflicts) in a controlled and calm way, the results are often outstanding. In order for this to happen, couples need to learn to communicate effectively —not an easy task, even for the best of us. As a rule we tend to believe we are right and our mate is wrong. This is the reason we get upset, making it very difficult to talk to each other in a kind and gentle voice during such times.
Make up your mind that you will approach areas of conflict in your marriage in a calm and agreeable way. Start with issues that are pretty simple, which you can handle relatively easily. When you solve those seemingly insignificant differences, your marriage relationship will experience greater intimacy. The more closeness you experience with your husband, the easier it will be for him to talk with you about other areas of conflict. The more you clear the air between you, the stronger and more satisfying your relationship will become, creating an environment of greater trust and openness to deal with more issues.
This approach will not solve your problems overnight. However, the more patience you exercise, the more successful and rewarding your marital relationship will be. When you create this kind of home environment, you will be a blessing to your children, to your neighbors, and to your friends. This is very difficult to do. Trust God for the strength (Philippians 4:13), and you will be victorious. We hope that from this day forward you and your husband will experience greater peace and a renewed marriage relationship. We are praying for you.
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