From This day forward - 2009 March/April - Look Before You Leap
Recently I started dating a widowed father at my church who has been interested in me ever since I moved here. We've been hanging out with each other trying to get to know each other better during the past three weeks. I'm really enjoying the time we are spending together. He is extremely thoughtful and helpful. I even found out last night that he has been reading the book The Five Love Languages. It made so much sense because he has been speaking my primary love language for some time, and I'm discovering other ones that are stronger for me than I originally thought. I'd really like to get your opinion and advice. This is all very new to me, especially since he has 3 children (wonderful children, by the way). I just want to be so careful so as not to hurt his children. Darlene—Albany, New York
Thank you for your thoughtful question.
You are really the only one who can decide if this is a good fit for you. We are assuming this man and you share the same faith, because if you do not, it isn’t a good idea since much of the empirical research available suggests the risks are too great. If you share the same faith, and he is a widower, you should have no difficulty finding biblical grounds for marriage.
When one becomes involved with someone who has been married and has children, one needs to be aware of certain realities and determine whether one can live with them. You would want to consider the following:
His deceased wife will always be a part of his life and conversation with his children. And her relatives will always be related to his children and to him.
These children may sooner or later decide they do not like you, and may be hoping you have no ideas about replacing their mother. Currently you are not married to their father and you are still experiencing the literal intoxication that new romantic relationships bring. So, for the moment, these children appear to be very nice and well behaved, but that can easily change.
If you marry this man and move into his home, you may bring habits to the family unlike his first wife, which he or the children may object to. Your special recipe for a particular dish will almost certainly be compared to the deceased wife’s (and mom’s) culinary skills, and probably unfairly.
Our advice is that you go into this relationship with your eyes wide open. True love may decide to overlook certain flaws, but it is certainly not blind; that is infatuation. Since you appear to be pretty interested in this man, we suggest rigorous premarital counseling before you decide to get married, or even before you have a wedding date in mind.
The pastor or counselor providing your premarital process should be certified to do this kind of work, and should be able to provide you with diagnostic inventories that are able to identify the strengths and growth areas in your relationship. This process will offer you the opportunity to find out how good your chances are to make this relationship work.
Please keep in mind that any relationship has the potential for disaster. The more complexity there is in a relationship, the more issues you will be dealing with. Therefore, do not be too idealistic. Remember there are no perfect relationships because there are no perfect people. Do not ignore red flags, and deal with them to your satisfaction. Do not be afraid, but be wise, and pray for God’s guidance and leadership; then, listen and obey.
We hope that from this day forward you will take every step with your hand in God’s. We are praying for you.
| Wille Oliver, PH.D & Elaine Oliver , MA - |
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Elaine Oliver and Willie Oliver are directors of the Department of Family Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church World Headquarters. An ordained minister, Willie holds a PhD in Family Sociology, and masters' degrees in Pastoral Counseling and Sociology. He is the former Director of Family Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America, the Atlantic Union Conference, and the Greater New York Conference. Read More >> |
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