Who or What Is Your Real Shepherd?
My dad used to say, “I quit drinking 8 times. I can stop whenever I want to!”
My mom struggled with smoking cigarettes for 40 years.
My brother is addicted to pornography, and has been addicted to cocaine and 3 other drugs.
I worked hard to make sure that I was not addicted to anything. I was a Seventh-day Adventist Christian most of my life, and was proud that I had eluded the addictions that had enslaved so many of my family members. I was a good girl and really didn’t understand why they couldn’t “just say no” to cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. I used to leave those magazines lying around, the ones with the picture of the smokers’ shriveled up lungs. I used to have logical discussions with my dad—beer tastes nasty and vodka tastes worse, why would you drink something that is nasty and bad for you? My brother, well, that’s another article for another time. So I grew up embarrassed and severely impacted by my family’s addictions and was confident that it would never happen to me.
But it did happen to me. I was addicted. Not to alcohol or drugs. No, my addictions were far worse. They were legal and respectable and in some cases the church folk actually supported and encouraged my addictions. After all, it’s quite acceptable to curl up on a Saturday night with a quart of ice cream and a family pack of Oreo cookies. The little ladies at the church potluck just love it when you have a third helping of that special macaroni and cheese. But for me food had become way more than just a source of rare overindulgence. Food was my life. During one especially depressing time I cried out to the Lord via my journal. The following entries were written at different times over several years. My prayer is that after you get a chuckle, you will see my heart’s cry and embrace the responses of our loving Savior.
Food is my shepherd; I shall always want.
It maketh me to lie down on the couch: it leadeth me to the refrigerator and pantry.
It destroyeth my soul: it leadeth me to feelings of guilt and despair for Satan’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and face life’s issues, I will fear no evil: for food is with me; my ice cream, my chips, and my chocolate they comfort me (at least for the moment).
I prepare a plate at midnight, in the presence of the enemy of my soul: my mind is foggy from the overabundance of food; my super-size fries spill into the bag, and my super-size soda runneth over.
Surely guilt, shame, and fat shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of stress eating and food addiction forever.
I was on my way to clogged arteries, diabetes, and obesity when God intervened.
Dear friend, how I long to be your shepherd. How I long for you to understand that the Holy Spirit is the best comforter there is. I am the God of all comfort, and there is no food that will ever heal your hurting heart. There is no drink that will ever fill the empty places in your soul. I created you to desire Me and allow Me to fill you with My love. The hole in your heart that you seek to fill with food has a special shape. It can’t be filled with fries or pie, pizza or chocolate. Not even ice cream can fill your void. Not even good food that is used to replace Me will satisfy you. For it is a God-shaped hole that is in your heart, and only I can fill it. Right now, though, darling, you are so filled with food that I can’t find a space. Please take food off of the throne of your heart and allow Me to take My rightful place in your life. I can fill you to satisfaction and overflowing with My love, comfort, and peace. I love you. You are the apple of My eye, and you are precious.
If food wasn’t enough, once I graduated from college and became a career woman, I was sure “they” would find out that I was really just a little Black girl from the hood with a tainted past. I couldn’t let that happen, so I set out to prove my worth and work became my shepherd.
Work is my shepherd, and I must always do more.
It makes me run through the green pastures and wade quickly through the still waters.
It destroys my soul: I fight ongoing feelings of inadequacy.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for work is with me and will keep me way too busy to deal with my personal life and relationships.
I grab food on the go for fear that my competitors will overcome me. No time for that anointing my head stuff; I’m late for a meeting.
Surely true success will elude me all the days of my life and I will major in minors, have mediocre relationships with the important people in my life, and work myself into an early grave, all in the name of productivity and getting the job done.
Several pounds and an ulcer later, I slowed down enough to listen to God speak.
Dear One, work is a hard taskmaster and will never satisfy that need in you to be productive, useful, and important. You want people to see and say that you are a hard worker, that you are diligent and successful. You want them to validate your worth, but what good are earthly accolades when you are willing to work hard at work and work little at relationships. What is earthly success when your most important relationships are waning and you are too busy to build up My kingdom? You are good and worthwhile because of the value that I place on you. No human can even begin to know your worth, much less validate it. I will never leave you or forsake you. Find your security in Me. I am all you need. Please work for Me. I am well qualified to be your employer and will give you joy, peace, satisfaction, and abundant life, and my retirement plan is out of this world!
Because I was in a high paying, fast-paced job, the image was really important, so I started shopping at first just to have nice clothes for work, but one day I got a little buzz from one of my shopping trips, and it was downhill from there. I mean I needed to look good for work. I had to meet clients, do lunch, and impress the boss, right? Before I knew it my credit card was way overdue, my car was repossessed, my rent was late, and I was in deep. How did this happen? From food to work, and now shopping had become . . .
Shopping is my shepherd, and there is always something that I need.
It makes me lie on the couch and watch QVC. It leads me to store after store in search of the perfect outfit.
It destroys my credit and my budget and leads me first to the high of the purchase and then to the low of the feeling that I’ve done it again.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for there will always be a mall, a store, a computer, or a home shopping show to fill my need for more shoes, books, purses, or equipment.
Lord, You prepare a banquet table before me, but I cannot sit and dine. The creditors are on the phone, and I need to make up something to tell them. I will take the anointing. I hear Donna Karan has something new and fragrant (just skip the running over part, though—can’t mess up the St. John suit).
Surely consumerism and debt will follow me all the days of my life, and I will live in the halls of the mall forever.
Space forbids me to tell the whole story, but the important lesson here is that anything we put in God’s place is dangerous. If you have to do it in order to feel better about yourself, relieve pain or prove your worth, and you are unable to control the urge to do it, you are probably addicted. Here are some additional clues to determine if you are addicted:
1. Does your desire to do it increase when you are stressed or hurting?
2. Do you feel like you must do it, and do you feel extremely uncomfortable if you can’t for whatever reason?
3. Do you feel better as you are doing it, and guilty after it’s done?
4. Have you quit several times and feel that you can quit anytime?
5. Does it temporarily provide comfort that the Holy Spirit can provide without that substance or behavior?
Actually, all of those questions can be summed up in one question: Who or what is your shepherd? When the going gets rough and you get stressed, to whom do you go for comfort? If you go to the refrigerator, the job, or the mall, then chances are the Lord is not your shepherd.
There are no easy and pat answers, but what has worked for me is constant, moment-by-moment dependence on Christ. Memorizing His word and choosing to believe what He says about me, and my worth. When I feel like I must shop, eat, or whatever, I must at that moment submit to Christ, allow Him to be all that I need, and recognize that He is enough. There are times that help from a Christian counselor may be necessary.
Today, I can say with joy that the Lord is my Shepherd, and He is all that I need!
Marcella Wentworth as told to Loretta Spivey. |
