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Choosing God's Best
As I have discovered, the phase of life called emerging adulthood, from ages 18 to 291 is characterized by potentially life-altering decisions, among them: choice of religion, vocation, and a marriage partner. While all of these choices can seem difficult, the last of these decisions is especially so. For those individuals who, like myself, are still waiting for their life partner, several questions arise. Who should I be looking for? How will I find God’s best? What do I do in the meantime?
For African-Americans, finding a suitable marriage partner seems to be a particular challenge. For instance, in the United States almost 50 percent of Black women have never been married, and 70 percent are presently single.2 Furthermore, while U.S. marriage rates have generally decreased since the 1950s, the rate of decline is 12 percent for White men versus 36 percent for Black men.3 Facing such odds, being able to identify God’s best is even more critical.
While writing this article, I consulted with Christian relationship books, the Bible, relevant sermons, and married friends and family. In my research I first sought to answer Whom should I be looking for? We often have a checklist based on race, looks, intelligence, or other standards. However, while “man looketh on the outward appearance, . . . the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
Pastor Cole Brown bases God’s criteria on the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 person: (a) is rare, worth seeking out and waiting for, (b) encourages and inspires us to be our best, (c) is hardworking, (d) patiently and generously serves others, (e) deals wisely with a variety of situations, and (f), most significantly, fears the Lord.4 The last point should never be compromised. While the seeming dearth of choices in the church makes “missionary dating” appealing, dating outside of our faith creates confusion and stress. Biblical counsel about not being unequally yoked is vital, as we will eventually have to choose between our partners and God (2 Corinthians 6:14). Also, beware of dating individuals who profess Christianity but do not have a life-changing relationship with the Lord. We must always ask ourselves, “Will this union help me heavenward? Will it increase my love for God? And, will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life?”5
We should also decide on our core values and nonnegotiables before marrying, or even dating, someone. In Life on the Edge, Dr. James Dobson advises that we seek someone whose family background, personality, general life goals, and values complement ours. Furthermore, open discussion of such details as children, lifestyle, location, leadership, money, and spiritual matters will safeguard against unwelcome surprises as the relationship progresses.6 We should not settle for less than the standards we, and God, have set. In this vein, avoid relationships with individuals who are: (a) unable or unwilling to commit; (b) verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive; (c) controlling; (d) insecure; (e) overly dependent; (f) immature; (g) unfaithful; and (h) caught up in addictions of any kind.7 Analyzing past or present relationships may help us break out of negative dating patterns, as necessary.
My sources unanimously agree on the destructiveness of cohabitation and/or sex before marriage. Many singles struggle with setting physical boundaries in a relationship, overlooking Solomon’s counsel not to awaken love prematurely (see Song of Solomon 2:7). In God’s eyes, however, sex is a defining and bonding characteristic of marriage. Therefore, premarital sex diminishes marriage’s value, and causes us to prematurely give ourselves away emotionally and physically. Although saving sex for marriage may seem too restrictive, by following God’s way we may reap the full benefits of the marital relationship. Sexual abstinence additionally provides protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, and a chance to really get to know your partner without the distraction of sex. For those who have been sexually active in the past, it is not too late to seek forgiveness and allow God to restore a sense of wholeness and purity. Whether a virgin or a born-again virgin, seeking support and being accountable to others will help us abstain.8
James Dobson counsels that even when we have met someone who fits our criteria, and God’s, we take a minimum of one year before considering engagement. Spending sufficient time with the other person, observing how he or she behaves in different settings, is the key to discerning character. Rather than rushing physical or emotional intimacy, build a relationship prayerfully and cautiously. By surrendering our whole lives, including dating and sexuality, to Jesus, we can count on His guidance (Proverbs 7:4, 5). Some ways to hear His voice include: (a) diligent Bible study, (b) seeking advice from godly counselors, and (c) paying close attention to “providential circumstances.”
Despite the pressure often put on singles by well-meaning others, avoid desperation. As marriage is a joining of two imperfect people together, marriage cannot be viewed as an instant solution to any brokenness or loneliness we may feel. We must become whole and content by ourselves. Dr. Cynthia Hale says in Soulmate, a documentary about single African-American women: “Being single and being satisfied is a process; it doesn’t come overnight.” Nonetheless, in faith we can trust that God knows better than we what we need (Psalm 37:4, 7), whether that includes marriage or not. Additionally, we must remember that God’s ideal is exceptional and will take longer to find. In the meantime, we should live our lives to the fullest. In The 10 Commandments of Dating, Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams outline “how to get a life” as getting grounded, grouped, goal-oriented, giving, and growing:
• Get grounded: This entails having a solid identity and sense of self-value as children of God. If we understand and value ourselves we are better equipped to give and accept genuine love.
• Get grouped: God designed us for community. Thus, at this time we should seek out and develop close ties with others, whether through Bible study, service groups, continuing education, sports teams, or other associations.
• Get goal-oriented. Now is the time to figure out what we want out of life and sharpen our sense of life purpose. Young and Adams suggest setting goals in every area of our lives, including spiritual, relational, financial, and career goals.
• Get giving. Singleness is also an opportunity to take the focus off ourselves and to serve others through the special gifts God has given us, whether at work, in church, or in volunteer work.
• Get growing. We should always seek to improve ourselves and our lives in tangible ways. This is a time in which we can take risks, learn new things, and follow our passions.9
Finally, during this time we can give God our undivided attention, taking the time to really get to know Him and His Word. As a life principle, we can adopt: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). As we are chasing passionately after God and fulfilling His purpose for our lives, we will be more likely to find a true partner, someone with whom we can weather life’s storms and run a successful Christian race.
CHRISTELLE AGBOKA writes from Kingston, Ontario, and enjoys reading, writing, and learning languages.
References
1 www.jeffreyarnett.com/articles.htm
2 www.soulmatefilm.com
3 http://media.hoover.org/documents/0817998721_95.pdf
4 Brown, Cole. “Significant Others: Choosing Wisely.” Red Sea church sermon.
5Portland, OR. 12 Oct. 2008. < http://www.sermoncloud.com/ekklesia-port
land/significant-others-choosing-wisely/>
6 White, Ellen G. The Adventist Home. Review and Herald Publishing Association, 1980.
7 Dobson, James. Life on the Edge. Word Publishing, 1995.
8 Van Pelt, Nancy. The Compleat Courtship. Southern Publishing Association, 1982.
9 Young, Benjamin, and Adams, Samuel. The Ten Commandments of Dating. Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999.
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